I start with words that always unravel the knots in my heart and spirit - Shane and Shane
"i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear
sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are
Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause its all about You"
Besides the fact that I absolutely love Shane and Shane, I chose this song because I feel like it perfectly encapsulates my being right now. I am waiting. I am stuck in this position waiting for something to happen, something to change my course. Here or there, I don't care really. I just want to go and move again. But I find myself waiting and I am not really sure what I am waiting for or on. Things have been moving pretty fast lately and my emotions and mind have had trouble getting on the same foot. In fact, most times I find myself lamely limping along - relying too heavily on one foot or the other and not finding that rhythm that leads to balance. I am in what feels like the aftermath of a storm. I am staring at the ruins and wreckage and wondering what to do next and where to begin to rebuild.
These are pretty heavy words that speak from a somewhat heavy heart. There have been losses recently that have wounded my heart. And in the way of those familiar with wounds, I have learned how to take the bullet and keep moving forward. However, even those defenses wear down now and then and you are left with the basics... you, your situation and what you make of it.
My situation is exactly this: I am waiting for God to move me from between the rock and the hard place that I feel He has me in. There is something to be learned here and something to take away from this place. My resentment of this place has led me to this "closet". I have fought this path and resisted the implications of it so much that I have chosen not to hear, not to sing, not to pray. And, instead, I have mourned silently for the things that I wanted but did not get. In this way I have been selfish. And I have been stubborn. And I have not healed. Or moved forward.
But now, my mind has decided to fix my "eyes on Jesus, the Author and perfecter of my faith"(Hebrews 12:2). I have decided that these things that I want may be permissible, but they are not necessarily beneficial (1 Corinthians 10:23). I have decided that it is time to close doors and find new beginnings. I have decided to let go and heal. And while these head decisions, this changing of my mind, are the right step, there is still the matter of the heart. Because the heart is not nearly so quick to give in and relent - at least not for me. They say the heart wants what it wants and a heart decided is hard to convince otherwise. I suppose this is a great thing when viewed through the lens of commitment and conviction. But not so great in the area of wants and desires - in this case it can lead to heartbreak and gnashing of teeth.
But this I believe, that if I change my mind then God will change my heart in time. That if I choose to seek Him and walk in His path, my heart will begin to follow suit. I will begin to want new things and pursue different paths and forget about the indecisions and inconclusions of the past. This end result is what motivates me to move forward. And I hold these tools in my knapsack to help me along my way:
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 4:7
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence. " Hosea 6:1-2
So here is to changing of minds that leads, eventually to a changing of hearts. I choose to sit in this waiting room, as silent and dark and small as it may feel. Because this time is from the Lord, as unlikely as it may seem. It is all about Him. Every single second. Every situation. Every thought. Every feeling. Every painful moment. Every dream fulfilled. The promise of more Him is worth waiting for.
